Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Randomize
