smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
