I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
