Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
