Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I have feelings that need drinking.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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