I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
