i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
