So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
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