if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
