if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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