Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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