Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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