Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
