Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
