just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
