I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
