The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
