Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
