vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
