I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
