oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
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He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
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Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
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