Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
