why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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