dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
