That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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