My girlfriend figured out who you are.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
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dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
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She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly