i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
