so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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