I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
