hotel room ftw
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Randomize
