I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
