shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
