I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Randomize
