I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
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