I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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