Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
