just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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