dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Randomize
