True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
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My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
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The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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