god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
