I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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