Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
