I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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