Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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