I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
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