You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
