I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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