We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
