Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
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