so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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