also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
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