Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
