Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
