Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Randomize
