I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Is it because I queefed?
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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