Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
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