I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
